Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fireworks Schmireworks

   Maybe I’m nuts but…I’m a bit concerned about this whole birds-dropping-out-of-the-sky phenomenon we’ve been hearing about lately. Not that it’s keeping me awake at night but…it IS keeping me from napping during the day.

   It all started on New Year’s Eve, 2010, in Arkansas. That’s when more than 3000 red winged blackbirds just…fell from the sky pelting down upon cars, roads, rooftops and anything which may have been handy like feathered beanbags on the town of  Bebee. But…WHY?

   Government officials (I refer to these officials as government because all officials seem to be somehow connected to government) said it could have been high altitude hail…or…lightning…but it was most probably…fireworks. REALLY? Not that they were hit by flak but that fireworks just…scared them to death. I have several problems with this theory not the least of which would be…why don’t we see red winged blackbirds doing the dirt-dive on the 4th of July? Or…why JUST red winged blackbirds? Do they have such a fragile constitution that the report of your average bottle rocket is enough to cause mass apoplexy? And, weren’t “government” officials involved in trying to convince the general (not a military general…just a general…general) public that it was a weather balloon that caused a UFO to dirt-dive in Roswell?


   MY theory on the red winged blackbirds (and, I suppose, the Roswell UFO) is…a sudden attack of…gravity.

   We have also heard, now, about other places where birds quit doing what birds do and suddenly became paper weights. Louisiana, Texas, Mississippi…SWEDEN for God’s sake. How the hell big WAS that fireworks display anyway? You thought I was a little off (go ahead and admit it) but suddenly, my gravity theory is looking better isn’t it?

   So…as we now know this was an INTERNATIONAL incident of EPIC proportions…why did we NOT hear about penguins, emus or ostriches suddenly becoming unable to fog a mirror? Simple. During a blatant attack of gravity it’s not the fall that kills ya, it’s the sudden stop at the end. Our ground dwelling feathered friends have the common sense NOT to become airborne and simply falling over from a staggering altitude of a couple of feet does NOT seem to be fatal but it does tend to…piss them off…a little.

   Ahhhh…but what of the FISH you ask? (Go ahead and ask, I’ll wait) Thank you for asking. Thousands of fish did indeed become former foggers of mirrors at nearly the same time as we were under bombardment from above. And what, you may well ask (May well away) of your gravity theory NOW?

   Fish floating UP upon meeting their demise USED to prevent my napping as well. How can they manage to suspend themselves at an appropriate depth, until they become fillet-o-ready and then just rise to the occasion, so to speak?  I have a theory to explain it. I’m guessing, at this point, you’re not the least bit surprised. Anyway…it is STILL gravity based. Stealthy attacks of gravity have a very distinct effect on fish. They cause fish to lose their ballast. And why then don’t submarines rocket to the surface when assaulted by a blast of gravity? Come ON…you don’t know? 

   Because, unlike fish and old people who wear Depends, submarines have more control over their…ballast.

   Finally, we have the strange case, In China, of a tour bus which got stuck in the snow in the middle of a tiger preserve (trust me when I tell you that a tiger preserve is a great deal UN-like a peach preserve) during tiger mating season and NO…were NOT talking about the golfer…who (by most accounts) observes no particular “season” for that sort of thing. Anyhoot…when the bus driver got out of said bus, to push it I guess, he was set upon by an angry, horny tiger (again…NOT the golfer) and was eventually dragged off into the woods where he was literally later found beside himself, in several different places. (This, my friend Ken says, is precisely the sort of thing that keeps him from riding busses and I think he has a very valid point in that) So what has THIS to do with the birds and fish?

   Not at all shockingly, I CAN make the connection. 

   During the attack, preserve employees tried, unsuccessfully, to scare away the offending tiger with…FIREWORKS (which, by the way, didn’t work on the golfer either) and NO birds, or for that matter, fish, ceased to exist.

   As I am NOT a government official, MY sudden attack of gravity is CLEARLY more believable.

Or…maybe I’m nuts.

I’m Craig Andresen

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