Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Maybe I’m Nuts…But…I have been reminiscing lately, about my childhood, and I have come to the most startling conclusion. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE MIRICLE that I am alive today to reminisce about my childhood!

THANK GOD for bureaucrats in NY and THANK GOD they have FINALLY had the good sense to put a stop to (at least at summer camps) the scourge of…WIFFLE BALL!!! While they were at it, they also put the clamps on other (obviously deadly) games like Red Rover, Dodge Ball and (gasp) Kick Ball. These, said they, were DANGEROUS games and should NOT be played at summer camps!

Of course, in less than 24 hours, some serial killer got to them and under extreme pressure, they have caved on the topic but…They had the BEST of intentions I’m sure.

I would have to go back through piles and stacks of old documents from my Midwest hometown but I’m reasonably certain, somewhere, there MUST be recorded proof of a wiffle ball death or at the VERY least, a maiming of unspeakable horror.

As a young lad, I rode my bike without a helmet (which I’m sure clears up some things for my readers) and went for rides in the family sedan without a child safety seat. There was NO rubber pad on the playground of my grade school but there WERE monkey bars AND a jungle gym…AND WE PLAYED ON THEM. If we fell down (and we did…every day) we got back up and continued to play. 

NOW…instead of going to the nurse’s office for a band aid…kids are (apparently) whipping out their iPhones and calling their attorney. There’s an app for that.

Today, thanks to bureaucrats, THOSE things are considered (and rightly so) as deadly as a soup bowl full of plutonium.

I get CHILLS when I think of how we used to climb TREES. We didn’t blame the tree if we fell out of it, though we probably should have. Too late we learn. Kick Ball was always a favorite during recess and as I recall, nobody ever lost a limb to it but I do remember once running into Danny Bolin as I rounded 2nd base and Dave Meile laughing at us. Dave was a lefty pitcher with a wicked curve. Had there been LAWS then, Dave would have been STOPPED thus preserving lives.

If only I had known as a youth what I know today I would have been OBVIOUS as to why, in church every Sunday, they talked so much (and so OFTEN) about heaven because at church picnics, we roasted wieners on SHARP STICKS…after sack races…THEY WERE TRYING TO SEND US THERE!!!

I’m pretty sure too, that my parents were trying to kill me as they kept telling me to go outside and play.

Had I (as a kid) been in a booster seat while riding down the highway (today I think one is required to be in such a seat until the age of 22) and had I not been watching my hand make ocean wave motions out the wide open back window (at 75 miles an hour) I would surely have noticed the side of the road was littered with arms.

Just think, had the bureaucrats NOT backed down in NY, how much more fun summer camps would be. 

Kids strapped to picnic table benches so as not to tumble off, wearing helmets to walk to the bathroom and being safety harnessed to the hand rail all the way there, no games that involve running or…balls or…touching another camper, tofu 3 times a day, no showers (somebody could drown) and no crafts which might utilize a sharp implement or glue as some twirp regardless of having to wear a surgical mask 24 hours a day may just have the sniffles.
Ahhh…kids will FINALLY be able to ENJOY going to summer camp!

There’s an Easter Egg Hunt here in town on Saturday and I see nothing but trouble. I feel it is my DUTY (since our local bureaucrats seem clueless) to stop this potentially deadly activity which is traditionally followed by a wiffle ball tournament. 

Wiffle balls as we all know are as hazardous as a live grenade.

Perhaps those spineless NY bureaucrats will have a change of heart as I believe it's HIGH TIME we started creating kids who are frightened silly of games and who will grow into adults TERRIFIED of their own shadows!

Or…maybe I’m nuts.

I’m Craig Andresen

1 comment:

  1. Your writing remind me a book by Gordon Liddy "WHEN I WAS A KID, THIS WAS A FREE COUNTRY." It may sound ludicrous, but it was true!