Friday, January 21, 2011

Go Kiss a Tree (why don't ya?)

Maybe I’m nuts but…I’ve doing some thinking recently regarding Druids. Yeah, I know, but really, I think they deserve at least SOME thought and I’ve never actually come across anyone who brings them up in conversation or polite company so…
I was prompted into this line of thought while hiding in the dark waiting for a couple of door to door Jesus salesmen to saunter on over to my neighbor’s house. I would have let them in but, I already had plenty of Jesus and couldn’t see the need to resupply at that moment. I ran out of Fuller Brushes YEARS ago but Fuller Brush salesmen NEVER come by (at dinner time or any other for that matter) but if they DID…I would let them in.

Anyway, from my secreted position (behind the side of the fridge) while I swear I could actually HEAR my dinner getting cold, I wondered…Did Druids ever say grace before they ate? (I’ll wonder what I want…YOU wonder what YOU want) It quickly became apparent that this deep topic was much more beer worthy than dinner worthy and since the beer was as cold as my dinner, I made an executive decision, and began to do a little research.

I discovered that nobody really knows ANYTHING for certain about Druids.

We know they were around during the iron age (though by the looks of what people were wearing back then it was somewhat before the ironing BOARD age) and they existed in Britain, Ireland and Gaul. I suspected several more beers would be required for an exploration of whatever or wherever the hell Gaul is or was respectively. (One should always be respectful of Gual…just in case)

It is THOUGHT that Druids were either a class of priests, or, they were judges (certainly not of crisply creased outerwear) or, sorcerers or, organizers of religious ceremonies. If the latter is correct it can probably be scientifically proven, I believe, that they have evolved into the Ladies Auxiliary.

What IS known for certainty about Druids is that NOTHING is known for certain about Druids EXCEPT that they took part in the ritual of oak and mistletoe. (Well…THAT clears it all up.) Another thing known, without question is that (Without any archeological evidence to prove it) they DID exist.

This (The without question part) is also how we know that door to door Jesus salesmen will not stop until they have attained their quota.

We KNOW they existed because Greco-Roman writers (And I assume wrestlers) Cicero, Tacitus, Pliney the Elder (Father of Pliney the Pain in the Ass Kid) and Testiculese (Known for tripping a lot and speaking with a very low voice) said so.
At this point I switched from Ale to Irish whiskey since it was clear that Druids were Celts.

So…Druids existed and they took part in the oak and mistletoe worship thingy. It has also been written that “There is archaeological evidence from western Europe that has been widely used to back up the idea that human sacrifice was performed by the Iron Age Celts. Mass graves found in a ritual context (One can only assume next to either an oak or under some mistletoe) dating from this period have been unearthed in Gaul.”

1) I thought there was NO archaeological evidence and 2) I TOLD you it was a good idea to be respectful of Gual.

Regarding the human sacrifice angle, if door to door Druid salesmen come to your house, hiding behind the side of the fridge will probably not offer nearly as adequate protection as it does from Jesus salesmen.

Did Druids have splinter (The oak and mistletoe thing) sects like, oh, I don’t know, Reformed Druids, who thought it poor form to engage human sacrifices yet allowed for a moment of quiet reflection in the presence of a juniper? Nobody knows apparently. We can deduce they were short of stature because they were Celtics (With a hard C) and NOT Celtics (with a soft C) and everybody knows that Celtics (with a soft C) worship Larry Bird and not trees.

After 1 hour and 12 full minutes of research (along with 2 pints, 5 shots and no dinner) I had come to the inescapable conclusion that Druids USED to exist, were NOT basketball players, HID from Jesus salesmen, were OUT of Fuller Brushes, PRAYED at trees, invented kissing at Christmas and had wrinkled clothes.

The next time you’re at a dinner party (In polite company of course) feel free, at the first sign of an awkward pause in the conversation, to share the above. As seemingly NO empirical evidence exists to counter these “facts” there can be no argument in opposition and your friends will be amazed.

What I STILL don’t know is if they said grace before eating and if they DID, was it being thankful for the meal or, were they holding a memorial service for the table?

Either door to door Jesus salesmen are VERY enlightening…

Or…maybe I’m nuts.

I’m Craig Andresen

No comments:

Post a Comment