Friday, January 21, 2011

When Animals...Spy

  Maybe I’m nuts but…can anybody tell me what the hell is wrong with a vast majority of the Middle East? I’m not asking in a general or somewhat rhetorical sense…I mean…WHAT THE HELL???

   From time to time, we are  subjected to “news” stories regarding either Israel, or, “the west” spying on Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Iran. No, don’t get me wrong, I think we SHOULD be spying on them, every day. We have satellites that can take pictures of a gnat sitting on the wing of a fly resting on a lump of goat poo from geosynchronous orbit. We, and when I say “we” I mean “the west” and our friends in Israel, we have microphones that can distinguish between a mouse fart and sand being sat on at a distance of 23.659 miles. And GOD knows we (see above) have weapons which can, with surgical precision, eliminate whoever just sat in the sand without disturbing either the poo OR the fly (gnats are notoriously skittish) after being launched from an altogether different hemisphere.

   Soooo…in Egypt, a while back, they decided that a couple of shark attacks were certainly the work of…wait for it…Israel. Yep, those diabolical Israel shark trainers must CERTAINLY have trained a white tipped shark to wreak havoc in one of Egypt’s most traveled too resorts. What the hell???

   Okay… recently, the world was enlightened once again, this time, by Saudi Arabia. It seems the avian division of Mossad ( if you don’t know Mossad, watch NCIS…David, pronounced DaVeed is Mossad…and she’s hot) anyway, the avian division of Mossad has sent in their TOP field agent to do a little high level spying from the sky. That agent, according to Saudi officials who must surely be smarter than Mossad (though nowhere near as hot if DaVeed is any indication) captured and arrested…yep…a VULTURE.

   Now, vultures, by their very nature, circle carcasses…carcassi…dead things. Why would Israel want to spy on a carcass? I can’t image the interrogation has produced much useful information for Saudi authorities thus far. Probably a lot of staring and occasionally a little poop on a chair though I wouldn’t hazard a guess as to which one did THAT. If Israel was going to send something to spy on Saudi Arabia from the air, it wouldn’t be a vulture…it would be a…oh…I don’t know…a DRONE???

   And that leave us with Iran. Those fiendishly clever Allah be Praised knotbeheaded counter (to) intelligence ignoramuses…ignorami…idiots, have placed under arrest and are keeping under the tightest security, 14…squirrels. SQUIRRELS!!! I never really thought about the possibility of squirrels even EXISTING in Iran but, given the STAGGERING number of NUTS over there, I guess it’s not a stretch. This bunch of nincompoopi (I’m pretty sure I got THAT one right) claim this pack of vermin was sent by…”the west”…with tiny little cameras imbedded in them to spy on their peaceful domain.

   Okay…a) Where are the cameras imbedded? Ummm…possibly…one on either side of their head and covered with dark lenses? And 2) If they’re scurrying about on the ground what exactly are they taking pictures OF? Given the fact that the men over there have a predilection for wearing loosely fitted bed sheets, I shudder (or shutter) to think. Oh yeah, that’s right…nuts. All I can say is, it’s a darn good thing they were arrested in Iran where they can simply be condemned to death by pebbling since it would nearly be IMPOSSIBLE to pick them out of a line-up.

   Any day now, I expect to be regaled by a breaking news flash informing me that the Syrians have accused Norway of depositing a covert camel in their midst. Note to the Norwegians…use a two-humper…it’ll take them twice as long to discover where you hid the parabolic mind control device.

 Or…Maybe I’m nuts.

I’m Craig Andresen

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