Art History 401

   Maybe I’m nuts but…I could spend, and have spent, hours gazing in wonder at various great and historical works of art. For me, it’s not so much about the artist, it more about what may have been going on…behind the scenes when those pieces were created.

   I believe, to fully appreciate art, one must go back to the beginning. Cave art, while lacking perspective and sophistication does tell the viewer a great deal about life at that time. For instance; humor had yet to be invented. Clearly (Even to the most ardent art snob) this is the case as not once have I seen a rock wall masterpiece where one caveman is making bunny ears behind the other.

Perhaps it’s easier for a caveman to buy insurance that to grasp the silliness of bunny ears.

   Ancient Egyptians added a great deal to the world of art. For one thing, they invented the human profile. Until the ancient Egyptians, only animals stood sideways to the artist. These same Egyptians also are to be given full credit for artistic license. They took the liberty to save space by combining the visual aspects of people and animals and created the Sphinx (not to be confused with the Spinks boxing brothers) and presto, a person AND a lion all in one leaving enough room for three pyramids instead of just two. 

Pepper...Not Just for Eggs Anymore

Maybe I’m nuts but…have we been spending too much time and effort paying attention to what we have to go through to get ON an airplane while ignoring what they’re finding on people who get OFF of them?

   There has been a considerable amount of teeth gnashing lately regarding the new TSA porno x-ray/ getting felt up debacle. And other than the odd pair of scissors and a bottle or two of shampoo big enough to actually wash ones hair what have they found? About 59 thousand hernias and three natural blondes, that’s what.

   There WAS a loose cannon at O’Hare who tried to board with a spork in his carry-on but (thanks to a VERY determined agent of justice) he was relieved of the potentially LETHAL weapon and is expected to make a full recovery. 

Imagine, had someone, in mid flight, actually RECOGNIZED the half spoon half fork plastic eating utensil as the weapon of mass destruction it is widely know (in international anti terrorism circles) to be…the mayhem which would have undoubtedly ensued. Oh the humanity.

   It is NOT however those getting ON the plane here in the U.S that are the loonies…it’s the ones getting OFF after arriving from other countries that seem far more…whack-jobish. No…I’m NOT talking about the fruit of the boom guy…I’m talking about…genuine lost marbles, belfry full of moonbats MENTAL cases.

A Pint at Peggy Kinnane's Irish Pub

Maybe I’m Nuts…But…every time I visit a new city, I like to find a local pub just to get a taste of the local flavor (and of course the local brew) as I find those small out of the way places to be a running tap of information. You also get a great feel for the people in the area as usually, only locals populate the place.

Go ahead and play the music...it'll put you in the mood while you read on.

So…There I was, for the first time on the outskirts of Chicago when I happened upon Peggy Kinnane's Irish Pub. Being as it was late in the afternoon, I strode in and took up a seat at the bar. Irish music was playing and I ordered a pint and started to pepper the Barkeep (His name was Tommy) with questions regarding the best things to see…OFF the beaten track..as I was to be in the area for just a day. Well, Tommy started in on the local night scene (while washing what looked like perfectly clean glasses) and telling me about places in the city that were not to be missed.

See Step 4 in Section 5a Diagrams 3b,4c and 11a

   Maybe I’m nuts but…I rarely, if ever, read the user’s manual on small appliances. Oh…I know I SHOULD…but WHY? We’re NOT talking about rocket science with these things and it SHOULDN’T take a brain surgeon…SHOULD IT?

   We recently came to the conclusion that we needed a space heater at our home. We concluded this because we were…cold…and we would rather have not been. Off we went to the space heater store where (Much to my surprise) they had more different kinds, sizes, brands and decor styles of space heaters than I could shake a stick at. Forced air, ceramic, ultra sonic, radiant…the list went on and on.

I settled on the one that looks like a radiator.

Stark Raving Sane

Maybe I’m Nuts…But…I’m just NOT getting the whole Charlie Sheen “Winning” thing. What exactly is this guy…”Winning?” Did I miss the contest announcement? After 8 rounds with Ali in Ziare…Forman looked closer to “winning” than Sheen does NOW!

CBS just announced that they have FIRED (after the same sort of careful consideration and consultation Obama adheres to with the UN I’m sure) Charlie Harper…I mean Sheen (for the life of me I don’t know HOW I confused the actor with the character he plays) for his off screen antics. Makes me wonder what precisely was the last straw.

Beyond Belief

Maybe I’m Nuts…but…there are several things I simply do NOT believe in. I’m not talking about the Easter Bunny or unicorns that fart rainbows…I’m talking about (as hard as it is to believe) REASONABLE stuff here.

I do NOT believe (by and large) in warning labels. If you’re not smart enough to NOT stand on the very top of a step ladder…then you should expect to fall down go boom. Warning labels are aimed at those who occupy the shallow end of the gene pool. If a person (on a light bulb wattage scale) is struggling to achieve the luminescence of a birthday cake candle in a drafty blimp hangar, by all means, take the toaster into the bath tub. 

I don’t believe in parallel parking. It’s not only stupid but I suspect it violates the laws of the universe. Have you ever entered a parking garage and discovered…parallel parking? Of course not. People who back into diagonal parking places should not be allowed to drive a motor vehicle because what exactly have they achieved? When they go to leave, they’re aimed in the wrong direction and the one way sign (another warning label of sorts) goes unheeded and disaster is a certainty. I say, give those people a toaster and some bubble bath.

I don’t believe that elves bake cookies in hollow trees. It’s not that I don’t believe in elves (maybe I do and maybe I don’t) it’s just that common sense (something I obviously have in abundance) tells me that baking cookies inside a hollow tree would eventually burn down the tree. However, having actually seen burned down hollow trees, I may need to reconsider this one.