Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Beyond Belief

Maybe I’m Nuts…but…there are several things I simply do NOT believe in. I’m not talking about the Easter Bunny or unicorns that fart rainbows…I’m talking about (as hard as it is to believe) REASONABLE stuff here.

I do NOT believe (by and large) in warning labels. If you’re not smart enough to NOT stand on the very top of a step ladder…then you should expect to fall down go boom. Warning labels are aimed at those who occupy the shallow end of the gene pool. If a person (on a light bulb wattage scale) is struggling to achieve the luminescence of a birthday cake candle in a drafty blimp hangar, by all means, take the toaster into the bath tub. 

I don’t believe in parallel parking. It’s not only stupid but I suspect it violates the laws of the universe. Have you ever entered a parking garage and discovered…parallel parking? Of course not. People who back into diagonal parking places should not be allowed to drive a motor vehicle because what exactly have they achieved? When they go to leave, they’re aimed in the wrong direction and the one way sign (another warning label of sorts) goes unheeded and disaster is a certainty. I say, give those people a toaster and some bubble bath.

I don’t believe that elves bake cookies in hollow trees. It’s not that I don’t believe in elves (maybe I do and maybe I don’t) it’s just that common sense (something I obviously have in abundance) tells me that baking cookies inside a hollow tree would eventually burn down the tree. However, having actually seen burned down hollow trees, I may need to reconsider this one.


Moving on…

I don’t believe, even for a minute, that more snow and ice is caused by global warming. This is something you can actually put to the test. Pre heat your oven to 450 degrees and place an ice cube tray full of pre globally warmed ice (that would be water) inside. If, in an hour’s time, you open the oven and find ice cubes…I’ll stand corrected. If your oven catches fire because you used a plastic or rubber ice cube tray, you probably (make that certainly) are apt to back your way into a diagonal parking place.

I DO believe I’ll have another glass of wine.

I don’t believe anyone (in their right mind) should ride on a one humped camel as there is no reasonable place to sit without the distinct possibility of sliding off one end or the other. I DO believe that is precisely the reason God invented the two humper.

I don’t care WHAT the sign at the grocery says, I simply don’t believe there is any such thing as “smart chickens.” If they don’t exhibit the cunning to avoid being cut into pieces and flash frozen…they’re not smart.

I don’t believe jelly beans are either one or the other.

I don’t believe 3D movies are really 3D. I used to but not anymore. The last time I went to see one I decided to test the theory (because things such as theories must be scientifically taken to task) and every time something that was on fire looked like it flew off the screen and right past me, I quickly turned around. Low and behold it wasn’t there at all. Instead of a flaming ball of whatever, all I saw (and apparently annoyed to a great extent) was the woman sitting behind me. The ticket boy came in and told me if I didn’t stop bothering the lady behind me I would have to leave.

I didn’t believe him either.

I don’t believe that rhymes can help one learn to spell. I remember being taught as a lad, i before e except after c or when sounded like a as in neighbor or weigh. My belief in that ended as quickly as my belief that Columbus discovered America. As to the latter, it seemed that the Indians (who I don’t believe to be actual Indians at all) who rolled out the welcome wagon were a more sound choice and as to the former…weird…that I wouldn’t buy into that huh?

Finally, I don’t believe there is anything whatsoever wrong with believing aliens from space are living among us. Oh you may well TRY to argue this point (by now I’m sure you see the validity of all the other points I’ve made here) but to do so you would need an alternate explanation (which I may or may not believe) for the existence of one Lady Gaga.

I’m going to make some toast.

Or…Maybe I’m Nuts.

I’m Craig Andresen


  1. Love that parallel parking shot!

  2. found the part on global warming very funny, in all a very entertaining piece of work very well done susan

  3. Thanks Anonymous...I'll tell my wife...Susan...you liked it!!!