Pepper...Not Just for Eggs Anymore

Maybe I’m nuts but…have we been spending too much time and effort paying attention to what we have to go through to get ON an airplane while ignoring what they’re finding on people who get OFF of them?

   There has been a considerable amount of teeth gnashing lately regarding the new TSA porno x-ray/ getting felt up debacle. And other than the odd pair of scissors and a bottle or two of shampoo big enough to actually wash ones hair what have they found? About 59 thousand hernias and three natural blondes, that’s what.

   There WAS a loose cannon at O’Hare who tried to board with a spork in his carry-on but (thanks to a VERY determined agent of justice) he was relieved of the potentially LETHAL weapon and is expected to make a full recovery. 

Imagine, had someone, in mid flight, actually RECOGNIZED the half spoon half fork plastic eating utensil as the weapon of mass destruction it is widely know (in international anti terrorism circles) to be…the mayhem which would have undoubtedly ensued. Oh the humanity.

   It is NOT however those getting ON the plane here in the U.S that are the loonies…it’s the ones getting OFF after arriving from other countries that seem far more…whack-jobish. No…I’m NOT talking about the fruit of the boom guy…I’m talking about…genuine lost marbles, belfry full of moonbats MENTAL cases.

 

   Exotic animals/cuisine are always  favorites. Customs officials have caught people bringing uncooked full legs of beef, a fully roasted chicken complete with cocaine stuffing, a quwi (For those not familiar, and who would be, that’s a full bodied roasted hamster from South America) and a guy who attempted to smuggle in a live snake, strategically concealed IN HIS TROUSERS. The closest this last fellow came to being caught BEFORE he debarked was being slapped by the woman sitting next to him in 22B.

   HOLY WEEKEND AT BERNIES…a mother and daughter even tried to wheel the former’s dead husband onto a plane to avoid body transport fees. All things considered, I’d rather be sitting in 22C next to the guy with his asp in his pants. (The dead guy never made it ON the plane. TSA knew SOMETHING was wrong when he didn’t complain about the required prostate exam)

     Those things however are NOT the only obstacles to getting on a plane.  One of the  most obvious barricades is located at the end of those moving  walkways. Sure…they seem like a good idea but if you’re trying to make time on your way to the gate they should be avoided at any cost. Given the low viscosity of movement by old people and taking into consideration the sudden acceleration they experience upon setting both foot and walker on what is commonly (at the home) referred to as "That moving sidewalk of death," there is sure to be a pile of false teeth, blue hair and bloomers at the far end.

   The first roadblock is where you check your bags where you are required to answer some very well thought out questions including…”Did anyone, besides YOU pack your bag or had access to it that you don’t know about?” Listen genius, 1) If someone had access to my bad that I don’t know about how could I possibly tell you? And 2) If I had someone to pack my bag FOR me I would PROBABLY have my own JET too.

   Then, of course, they have to weigh your bag. If, at that point, they tell you your bag is 30 pounds over the 50 pound limit, DON’T turn to your spouse (Take my word on this) and say, “I TOLD you your aunt Tillie was heavier than you thought…God rest her soul.”

   I like to give my suitcase a nice rubdown with black pepper before going to the airport as I know (Although I’ll never actually see it) there are few things funnier than a expertly trained dog with a sneezing fit in progress.

   The sad fact is, you’re not even immune to security measures if all you’re doing is dropping someone off at the airport. The last time I dropped of my father in law, I hopped out and by the time I had gotten to the trunk of my car, black-ops had swooped in to “politely” inform me that I was not allowed to stop there. I had no idea an FBI background check was required for this but I’ll know better next time.

   Note to self: Future airport drop-offs will be done by slowing to 30mph, opening the door and shoving departing passenger. At least I stand a chance of making a clean getaway before the shooting starts.

Or…Maybe I’m nuts.

I’m Craig Andresen