A CLEARLY Plausable Explanation

Maybe I’m Nuts…But…I saw something a few days ago that by all that is holy, gave me pause. It’s not often that I am GIVEN pause (nor is it often that I utilize the phrase “by all that is holy”) but it DID and I AM.

I had just stepped out onto my front porch, for a little fresh air, and was just blankly staring at what I simply can’t remember when I heard the unmistakable sound of a hummingbird. We had just days before placed our hummingbird feeder on its hook (as a friend had reported seeing HER first hummingbird of the year the day before) and this was the first at OUR house.

I turned toward the feeder JUST in time to see the little bugger blast away. Intently, I watched as it flew (I refer to it as “It” as I hadn’t the time nor was I close enough to, determine whether “It” was a he or she) off into the wild blue yonder. I like hummingbirds (though there not much meat on them) and was happy to have actually seen my first of the year. Such a sighting in THESE parts means we are surely nearer to actual (rather than imagined) spring.

That’s when I saw it.

From out of the clear blue sky it came…at a diagonal…from my right to my left in a downward direction. A missile traveling at near warp velocity! 

WHAM!!!

The comet struck the corner of the roof of the house next door with TREMENDOUS force. 

I WAS…given pause.

It was neither a comet nor a missile but indeed, it was a RABBIT. Yep…a flying rabbit. A FLYING RABBIT which had JUST descended and IMPACTED my neighbor’s house! It had struck with the deadly accuracy of a laser guided implement of destruction. From its point of impact (again…”Its”…see above) it bounced nearly 15 full feet and slammed…I MEAN SLAMMED…into the ground between our house and our shed…LIKE A BAG OF WET (furry) CEMENT!!!

It’s funny how, in a mere moment, one can have a flashback. I flashed back to that old WKRP episode where they tossed live turkeys out of the helicopter…and Les Nessman used that very line…”They’re hitting the ground like bags of wet cement!”

 It was a GREAT episode.

Rabbits, I THOUGHT (initially) were rather flightless creatures and clearly, while THIS particular one WAS airborne, I came to the conclusion that indeed, the reason FOR their flightlessness MUST be because they are SEVERLY landing challenged. I must also assume that the reason I had never before seen a flying rabbit is because they clearly understand their own landing issues and rather than risk the inevitable (bouncing off the neighbor’s roof) they prefer land based operations.

 

In retrospect, I now have a much better understanding of why Santa employs flying reindeer rather than Dumper, Jumper, Thumper and Hoppy… Cuddles, Cotton, Drooper and Floppy…as the ground between houses would certainly be littered with carcasses.

Reindeer (it seems) CAN make roof landings while rabbits…can’t.

Well…at this point I was COMPELLED to get a closer look and before I was able to take two steps off my front porch…I was AGAIN…given pause…as a HAWK came SWOOPING in like an EAGLE (eagles actually swoop in like HAWKS and hawks like eagles which is a greatly misunderstood scientific conundrum which now, thanks to me, is clear to you…you’re welcome) and SNATCHED up that which was, by any account, half way to Hasenpfeffer and away IT (again…see above) went!

I know what you’re thinking.

YOU’RE thinking that the hawk had, somewhere else, dispatched of the rabbit and then, while on its way home from the rabbit take out joint, dropped it and then retrieved it. Right? Huh? Right? Well…NOT SO FAST. We ALL know ALL too well that what seems OBVIOUS is OFTEN not the case and given ALL that I had just witnessed…I believe I know EXACTLY what occurred.

Allow me…(ahem)

CLEARLY and without a SHADOW of a doubt…as the first hummingbird of the hummingbird season left the hummingbird feeder as hummingbirds ARE want to do (from time to time) and went SCREEMING off (and YOU thought they only hummed) into the wide open spaces…quite certainly IT (see above) scared the rabbit BEJEEZES out of the rabbit (who was already in full flight and as we all know…rabbits ARE fairly high strung) who then suffered a midair coronary causing it to plummet from a GRAND altitude achieving what is known as “terminal velocity” (a term which can and IS often used to describe the speed of the moving walkway at the airport) before it crashed into the neighbor’s roof and ricochet to ITS (see above…again) momentary resting place in front of my shed only to be spirited away by a hawk who as we all SHOULD know, just hand around waiting for varmints who are more apt than not, to make poor landings.

Or…maybe I’m nuts.

I’m Craig Andresen

Shocking...ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING!

Maybe I’m Nuts…but…now that the whoo ha and the froo fra over Kate marrying the Poo Bah is over, it’s high time to examine what took place in merry olde England. 

 

For weeks, we in the states (and I imagine the world over) have been regaled with the run up to the event with swirling speculation (and a fair amount of side betting) concerning what the bride would be wearing…would the vows contain the word “obey”…where exactly the nuptials would take place and no doubt…would Harry be half in the bag before the whole blooming thing got started?

Most important things first…It’s ALWAYS difficult to tell if Harry is hammered or not so I’ll just go out on a royal limb here and say…YEP!

HOLY WIFFLE BALLS BATMAN!!!

Maybe I’m Nuts…But…I have been reminiscing lately, about my childhood, and I have come to the most startling conclusion. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE MIRICLE that I am alive today to reminisce about my childhood!

THANK GOD for bureaucrats in NY and THANK GOD they have FINALLY had the good sense to put a stop to (at least at summer camps) the scourge of…WIFFLE BALL!!! While they were at it, they also put the clamps on other (obviously deadly) games like Red Rover, Dodge Ball and (gasp) Kick Ball. These, said they, were DANGEROUS games and should NOT be played at summer camps!

What's Wrong With the Rest of Them?

Maybe I’m Nuts…but…Yesterday I had to take a break from my viewing of the weather channel. Frankly, it was more excitement than I could take and I was drinking decaf. To be honest, I was getting pretty worked up over a low pressure system. So anyway, I did what I always do in a situation such as this.

I decided to watch something a little more low key. I turned on CSPAN. 

OH not to worry (I know how you worry) I taped the weather channel for a few hours so…I won’t miss a thing. But, thanks for your concern.

Art History 401

   Maybe I’m nuts but…I could spend, and have spent, hours gazing in wonder at various great and historical works of art. For me, it’s not so much about the artist, it more about what may have been going on…behind the scenes when those pieces were created.

   I believe, to fully appreciate art, one must go back to the beginning. Cave art, while lacking perspective and sophistication does tell the viewer a great deal about life at that time. For instance; humor had yet to be invented. Clearly (Even to the most ardent art snob) this is the case as not once have I seen a rock wall masterpiece where one caveman is making bunny ears behind the other.

Perhaps it’s easier for a caveman to buy insurance that to grasp the silliness of bunny ears.

   Ancient Egyptians added a great deal to the world of art. For one thing, they invented the human profile. Until the ancient Egyptians, only animals stood sideways to the artist. These same Egyptians also are to be given full credit for artistic license. They took the liberty to save space by combining the visual aspects of people and animals and created the Sphinx (not to be confused with the Spinks boxing brothers) and presto, a person AND a lion all in one leaving enough room for three pyramids instead of just two. 

Pepper...Not Just for Eggs Anymore

Maybe I’m nuts but…have we been spending too much time and effort paying attention to what we have to go through to get ON an airplane while ignoring what they’re finding on people who get OFF of them?

   There has been a considerable amount of teeth gnashing lately regarding the new TSA porno x-ray/ getting felt up debacle. And other than the odd pair of scissors and a bottle or two of shampoo big enough to actually wash ones hair what have they found? About 59 thousand hernias and three natural blondes, that’s what.

   There WAS a loose cannon at O’Hare who tried to board with a spork in his carry-on but (thanks to a VERY determined agent of justice) he was relieved of the potentially LETHAL weapon and is expected to make a full recovery. 

Imagine, had someone, in mid flight, actually RECOGNIZED the half spoon half fork plastic eating utensil as the weapon of mass destruction it is widely know (in international anti terrorism circles) to be…the mayhem which would have undoubtedly ensued. Oh the humanity.

   It is NOT however those getting ON the plane here in the U.S that are the loonies…it’s the ones getting OFF after arriving from other countries that seem far more…whack-jobish. No…I’m NOT talking about the fruit of the boom guy…I’m talking about…genuine lost marbles, belfry full of moonbats MENTAL cases.

A Pint at Peggy Kinnane's Irish Pub

Maybe I’m Nuts…But…every time I visit a new city, I like to find a local pub just to get a taste of the local flavor (and of course the local brew) as I find those small out of the way places to be a running tap of information. You also get a great feel for the people in the area as usually, only locals populate the place.

Go ahead and play the music...it'll put you in the mood while you read on.

So…There I was, for the first time on the outskirts of Chicago when I happened upon Peggy Kinnane's Irish Pub. Being as it was late in the afternoon, I strode in and took up a seat at the bar. Irish music was playing and I ordered a pint and started to pepper the Barkeep (His name was Tommy) with questions regarding the best things to see…OFF the beaten track..as I was to be in the area for just a day. Well, Tommy started in on the local night scene (while washing what looked like perfectly clean glasses) and telling me about places in the city that were not to be missed.

See Step 4 in Section 5a Diagrams 3b,4c and 11a

   Maybe I’m nuts but…I rarely, if ever, read the user’s manual on small appliances. Oh…I know I SHOULD…but WHY? We’re NOT talking about rocket science with these things and it SHOULDN’T take a brain surgeon…SHOULD IT?

   We recently came to the conclusion that we needed a space heater at our home. We concluded this because we were…cold…and we would rather have not been. Off we went to the space heater store where (Much to my surprise) they had more different kinds, sizes, brands and decor styles of space heaters than I could shake a stick at. Forced air, ceramic, ultra sonic, radiant…the list went on and on.

I settled on the one that looks like a radiator.

Stark Raving Sane

Maybe I’m Nuts…But…I’m just NOT getting the whole Charlie Sheen “Winning” thing. What exactly is this guy…”Winning?” Did I miss the contest announcement? After 8 rounds with Ali in Ziare…Forman looked closer to “winning” than Sheen does NOW!

CBS just announced that they have FIRED (after the same sort of careful consideration and consultation Obama adheres to with the UN I’m sure) Charlie Harper…I mean Sheen (for the life of me I don’t know HOW I confused the actor with the character he plays) for his off screen antics. Makes me wonder what precisely was the last straw.

Beyond Belief

Maybe I’m Nuts…but…there are several things I simply do NOT believe in. I’m not talking about the Easter Bunny or unicorns that fart rainbows…I’m talking about (as hard as it is to believe) REASONABLE stuff here.

I do NOT believe (by and large) in warning labels. If you’re not smart enough to NOT stand on the very top of a step ladder…then you should expect to fall down go boom. Warning labels are aimed at those who occupy the shallow end of the gene pool. If a person (on a light bulb wattage scale) is struggling to achieve the luminescence of a birthday cake candle in a drafty blimp hangar, by all means, take the toaster into the bath tub. 

I don’t believe in parallel parking. It’s not only stupid but I suspect it violates the laws of the universe. Have you ever entered a parking garage and discovered…parallel parking? Of course not. People who back into diagonal parking places should not be allowed to drive a motor vehicle because what exactly have they achieved? When they go to leave, they’re aimed in the wrong direction and the one way sign (another warning label of sorts) goes unheeded and disaster is a certainty. I say, give those people a toaster and some bubble bath.

I don’t believe that elves bake cookies in hollow trees. It’s not that I don’t believe in elves (maybe I do and maybe I don’t) it’s just that common sense (something I obviously have in abundance) tells me that baking cookies inside a hollow tree would eventually burn down the tree. However, having actually seen burned down hollow trees, I may need to reconsider this one.

Do They Make One With a Rotary Dial?

Maybe I’m nuts...but…I just don’t get the unbridled excitement over the release of the newest cell phone which seems to occur every 3 months or so. “Tech Junkies” actually start to vibrate at the mere MENTION of an updated device.

The last time I went to the cell phone store had NOTHING to do with a “new and improved” model. I HAD to get a new phone because the battery on my OLD phone wouldn’t charge anymore and those far sighted nerds who MAKE such things as batteries had decided NOT to.

The 12 year old salesgirl (She may have been older than that but as I KNOW I’m not getting older, the only other option is that tech salespeople are getting younger) came at me as though I had “dead battery that’s no longer in production” written all over my face. She asked what phone I was currently using. I told her I wasn’t currently using ANY cell phone and explained why. I handed her my 18 month old antique and the little snot (with great disdain) informed me that it was obsolete.

Didn’t she have something better to do with her time (like selling cookies) than being annoying to ME?

   Maybe I'm nuts...but...After seeing this clip of Barak Obama, describing how his father (who would have been 5 years old at the time) served in WWII, I felt obliged to share with you a brief summary of my rather mundane story.

   Ahhh…I remember well the year of my birth, 1960, as I was 13 at the time. It seems like yesterday.

   Little did I know (5 years later) when I voted for Nixon what would transpire in the world of politics just a few years earlier. It didn’t seem that long ago that I was on the front lines in Korea wondering why I had ever voted for Taft in the first place. Nixon (of course) was forced to resign over an affair that was caught on tape in a hotel. We would have known nothing of it were it not for Julian Assange.

   I recall to this day how my father, a WWI veteran, watched as HIS father (who went down on the Titanic) ventured off to Vietnam to fight the Germans in WWII. It made ME wonder if I would someday have to take up arms and fight in the war of 1812. Thankfully, President Kennedy put a stop to that before he was shot and killed by John Wilkes Booth.

Fireworks Schmireworks

   Maybe I’m nuts but…I’m a bit concerned about this whole birds-dropping-out-of-the-sky phenomenon we’ve been hearing about lately. Not that it’s keeping me awake at night but…it IS keeping me from napping during the day.

   It all started on New Year’s Eve, 2010, in Arkansas. That’s when more than 3000 red winged blackbirds just…fell from the sky pelting down upon cars, roads, rooftops and anything which may have been handy like feathered beanbags on the town of  Bebee. But…WHY?

   Government officials (I refer to these officials as government because all officials seem to be somehow connected to government) said it could have been high altitude hail…or…lightning…but it was most probably…fireworks. REALLY? Not that they were hit by flak but that fireworks just…scared them to death. I have several problems with this theory not the least of which would be…why don’t we see red winged blackbirds doing the dirt-dive on the 4^th of July? Or…why JUST red winged blackbirds? Do they have such a fragile constitution that the report of your average bottle rocket is enough to cause mass apoplexy? And, weren’t “government” officials involved in trying to convince the general (not a military general…just a general…general) public that it was a weather balloon that caused a UFO to dirt-dive in Roswell?

   Maybe I’m Nuts but..I think our court system could use a little tweaking…especially when it comes to picking juries. It seems to me that the process for picking 12 people to listen to and decide upon the merits of a case has gotten a little lax over the last several years.

   As one who has been tapped for but never actually had to report to jury duty, I can’t help but wonder about the process. The accused has the right to a trial by a jury of his or her peers…right? So…how do they decide what constitutes a pier? I can tell you this much…if Hannibal Lecter had peers I certainly wouldn’t want 12 of them in one room!

   In Boston, some cat named Sal Esposito recently got called for jury duty. Sal Esposito is an actual cat (You thought I was just being hip) and his owner tried to convince the court that Sal was ineligible to serve…to no avail. Cats make lousy jurors, I think, because they spend a lot of time sleeping during the presentation of evidence and (Though it’s generally frowned upon) they always want to sit in the attorney’s brief cases. If I were a judge, I’d probably cite a juror like Sal with contempt for harfing up a hairball during closing arguments.

Maybe I’m Nuts but…I just don’t know what to think about the state of fans (mostly football fans) at sporting events sometimes. Oh, I understand getting behind your team but, really, sometimes I just scratch my head in shear wonderment.

   The Packers are really to blame for the whole headgear thing. Cheese heads. They’re all adorning themselves with a wedge of cheese. Okay…but…doesn’t ANYBODY in Greenbay like Gouda? What exactly IS that cheese they wear? It looks like Cheddar but it has holes like Swiss. SURELY there must be 1 nacho fan there SOMEWHERE. Of course (while you never see it on TV) I do understand those in the pricey skybox suites ARE capping themselves with Brie.
    This spectacle no doubt led to Nebraska fans to concoct over-sized foam rubber ears of corn (Thankfully, the Huskers changed their name to Cornhuskers from Bug Eaters back in the late 1800’s) as THEIR fashion statement on game days.  At least they wear them horizontally.  

Go Kiss a Tree (why don't ya?)

Maybe I’m nuts but…I’ve doing some thinking recently regarding Druids. Yeah, I know, but really, I think they deserve at least SOME thought and I’ve never actually come across anyone who brings them up in conversation or polite company so…

 

I was prompted into this line of thought while hiding in the dark waiting for a couple of door to door Jesus salesmen to saunter on over to my neighbor’s house. I would have let them in but, I already had plenty of Jesus and couldn’t see the need to resupply at that moment. I ran out of Fuller Brushes YEARS ago but Fuller Brush salesmen NEVER come by (at dinner time or any other for that matter) but if they DID…I would let them in.

Anyway, from my secreted position (behind the side of the fridge) while I swear I could actually HEAR my dinner getting cold, I wondered…Did Druids ever say grace before they ate? (I’ll wonder what I want…YOU wonder what YOU want) It quickly became apparent that this deep topic was much more beer worthy than dinner worthy and since the beer was as cold as my dinner, I made an executive decision, and began to do a little research.

When Animals...Spy

  Maybe I’m nuts but…can anybody tell me what the hell is wrong with a vast majority of the Middle East? I’m not asking in a general or somewhat rhetorical sense…I mean…WHAT THE HELL???

   From time to time, we are  subjected to “news” stories regarding either Israel, or, “the west” spying on Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Iran. No, don’t get me wrong, I think we SHOULD be spying on them, every day. We have satellites that can take pictures of a gnat sitting on the wing of a fly resting on a lump of goat poo from geosynchronous orbit. We, and when I say “we” I mean “the west” and our friends in Israel, we have microphones that can distinguish between a mouse fart and sand being sat on at a distance of 23.659 miles. And GOD knows we (see above) have weapons which can, with surgical precision, eliminate whoever just sat in the sand without disturbing either the poo OR the fly (gnats are notoriously skittish) after being launched from an altogether different hemisphere.

   Soooo…in Egypt, a while back, they decided that a couple of shark attacks were certainly the work of…wait for it…Israel. Yep, those diabolical Israel shark trainers must CERTAINLY have trained a white tipped shark to wreak havoc in one of Egypt’s most traveled too resorts. What the hell???

   Okay… recently, the world was enlightened once again, this time, by Saudi Arabia. It seems the avian division of Mossad ( if you don’t know Mossad, watch NCIS…David, pronounced DaVeed is Mossad…and she’s hot) anyway, the avian division of Mossad has sent in their TOP field agent to do a little high level spying from the sky. That agent, according to Saudi officials who must surely be smarter than Mossad (though nowhere near as hot if DaVeed is any indication) captured and arrested…yep…a VULTURE.